“If someone tried to take control of your body and make you a slave, you would fight for freedom. Yet how easily you hand over your mind to anyone who insults you. When you dwell on their words and let them dominate your thoughts, you make them your master.”
~ Epictetus
I’m going to tell a story about my mistake, and then my attempt at a resolution. I think I have covered this idea in other posts, but this is a blog and I’m going to repeat myself from time to time. Besides, I believe there is value to be gained from seeing the same idea applied to multiple situations.
Back in February (of 2020, about four months before I originally wrote this), I had an incident walking back home from the store with my kid. There is a woman who walks her small dog on the streets around our house. On this day, I was walking past her with my older son, and her dog snapped at him, not once, but twice (and by this I mean he was baking and snapping, she pulled him away, and then gave him enough slack to do it a second time). The second time it happened, and she didn’t maintain her control over the dog, I threatened to kick her dog. (Did I mention I was wearing a shirt that says “Free Hugs” on it? Yeah… maybe it wasn’t my best look). She proceeded to get offended, and say that her dog didn’t have teeth, so it wouldn’t hurt him anyway. We exchanged words, and nothing got through to her until I told her to look at my son, he was terrified and crying because of her dog (he also had an incident a couple years earlier when a small dog chased him and nipped at him, and was still uncomfortable around small dogs). I gave her a brief summary of that story. She didn’t reply, and I walked away to comfort my kid, instead of continuing to pick a fight with a stranger (did I mention I wasn’t really on my A game that day?).
I got home, and I realized what I did was completely inappropriate. I threatened violence on a dog that hadn’t done anything but have an irresponsible owner. So I decided that I was going to find this woman and apologize to her for my actions. I walked around the block, but she was gone, and I didn’t see her again for a while.
The first time I did see her, I was in the car with my two kids, and there was no place to pull over, so I said I would do it next time. That next time came… and I just didn’t feel it that day. But today. Today I finally got it in.
When I saw her today, I was pulling out of my garage. I immediately pulled over, and asked if we could talk. She said, “Sure.” So I went into an apology. I said it wasn’t an acceptable way to act, and she thanked me and told me she normally has control of her dog, while she was literally being pulled away by her dog (the irony was not lost on me).
So what did my threat accomplish? Nothing. She still has a dog that’s poorly behaved. She didn’t listen to me. What if, instead, I just started with my son’s story about the dog. The one that turned her in the first place. Would it have made a difference? Who knows. But at least I wouldn’t have let the situation become my master at that moment. I could have kept my mind my own, and lived up to the ideals that I had set for myself. In the end, is it worth selling our ideals to accomplish nothing? Both leave her with a snapping dog, but one makes me into a snapping dog as well.